Chris Brown’s Lawyer Side-Eye

CHRIS AGREES TO REFORM B2K

I’ve just got a hunch here that the judge in this case is secretly a HUGE B2K fan. And I’m thinking if Chris Brown agrees to reform B2K with him replacing J-Boog (’cause who really payed attention to that guy anyways?), this deal could work. Now I’ll assume Brown might have some issues with Chris Stokes managing the group (because what young male wouldn’t?), so a deal could be arranged to have Brown’s current manager handle the duties so she can stay close to CB…you know…because that was a good idea before.

CHRIS AGREES TO GO BY HIS MIDDLE NAME MAURICE

If you look on Brown’s Myspace or read countless comments left on message boards around the Internets, it appears that while people are mad at CB for this incident, there is still a ton of support from young girls the world over who say they will still listen to and buy Brown’s music. If he’s simply allowed to get back in the game as Chris Brown, it’s gonna be too easy and he won’t really have learned anything. A plea could be worked out where Chris Brown agrees to go by the stage name Maurice Brown from now on. This will immediately skew his career towards an older demographic as Maurice Brown sounds like a lost member of The Temptations or something. He will need to work three times as hard just to get back to where he was at and assure the young ladies that Maurice Brown can still make them swoon…and if all else fails, with a name like that he can become a pastor.

CHRIS AGREES TO DO AN ALL AUTO-TUNE ALBUM

This is sort of like a death sentence without actually dieing. Chris could agree to do an entire Auto-Tune album…and to make matters worse, he would have the condition to where he must include T-Pain on six of the albums songs. Double the Auto-Tune, double your fun. A condition of the court could be that the album’s title must reference the alleged incident with Rihanna. Some possible titles are:

“808′S & WINDOWBREAKS”

“EAR BITES & HEADLOCKS”

“TEXT MESSAGES & LOVE SONGS”

“BEAT DOWNS & JET SKIS”

CHRIS AGREES TO CONSUME NOTHING BUT WRIGLEY’S GUM AND MILK FOR A WEEK

The fallout from the alleged incident with Rihanna was tough on CB. He lost endorsement deals with Wrigley’s and the “Got Milk?” ad campaign. Whether he admits it or not, gettin his money right again has gotta be at the top of the priorities list. One sure fire way to do this is work out a deal where he consumes nothing but Wrigley’s gum and milk for a week. I’m not sure what the health complications are of all that spearmint and milk, but hey, do we wanna make this situation right or not? Hopefully the companies will see this as excellent promotion and give him his deals back and the court will acknowledge the danger he put his body in. It’s a win win.

CHRIS AGREES TO DO 2 MORE “THIS CHRISTMAS” MOVIES TO COMPLETE THE TRILOGY

“Star Wars” has nothing on the possibility of a “This Christmas” trilogy of films. Chris could work out a deal where he agrees to do two more “This Christmas” films. The second film could be called “This Christmas 2: He’s Baaaack” and could center around Chris Brown coming home for Christmas with Rihanna in tow. You can see the drama around the dinner table now as each family member takes a turn slappin’ Chris Brown upside the head. The third film could be titled “This Christmas 3: Little CB’s” and would be built around Rihanna and Chris Brown introducing their little ones into the family. The kids names would be Chris Brown II, Chris Brown III and a girl named Lamborghini named after the car Rihanna and CB were riding in when…well you know…I don’t want to mention it again and ruin Christmas.

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